Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
