That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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