Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
