end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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