Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
