Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
a search helicopter?!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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