The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
what day is it and did you see me today?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
