I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
