you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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