she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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