i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
