If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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