Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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