Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
