Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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