I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
