wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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