Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
