im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
