My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
