Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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