the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
