I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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