i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
