I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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