She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
