Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
