The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
