look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
