I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
