Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
