I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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