sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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