We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
