I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
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