Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
