Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
