Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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