i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
