Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
