Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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