when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
