Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
