i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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