I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
