I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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