I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
