he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
