so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
