FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
