There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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